Finding the father

My friend, this body offers to carry us for nothing–as the ocean carries logs. So on some days the body wails with its great energy; it smashes up the boulders, lifting small crabs, that flow around the sides.

Someone knocks on the door. We do not have time to dress. He wants us to go with him through the blowing and rainy streets, to the dark house.

We will go there, the body says, and there find the father whom we have never met, who wandered out in a snowstorm the night we were born, and who then lost his memory, and has lived since longing for his child, whom he saw only once… while he worked as a shoemaker, as a cattle herder in Australia, as restaurant cook who painted at night.

When you light the lamp you will see him. He sits there behind the door… the eyebrows so heavy, the forehead so light… lonely in his whole body, waiting for you.

“Finding the Father” by Robert Bly

The sins of the father are visited upon the son…so let’s get rid of sin.

So much love, so much pain, so much suffocation…ultimately, the truth needed to come out.

And we could keep exploring that truth, diving into it endlessly…some people do.

But not me, I got my point across, I got my healing thing done, I’m ready to move on.

And I’m ready to because I think you’re ready to. You’ve changed since “the e-mail.” A reality of your being that once was hidden was laid bare. I don’t get the sense that it’s a place you’d like to re-visit, so there’s no need. A little bit goes a long way in our family.

But I hope if you ever start pulling your shit again, if the memory of our chat grows dim, that I’ll have the balls to stand up to you and claim my authority as my own man. The only way to do that, for me, is to keep maturing.

And ultimately, to live up to the man that you are and move the legacy forward in my own very different way. If I could have chosen differently, I would have. I intend to submit to where life has taken me. I both don’t want to repeat some of your mistakes, and I also am pushed to live up to your accomplishments.

And I hope we can spend some time together – talking, and enjoying life together. You are a good Dad. We have our issues that need healing, and those hurt. I love you. The son becomes the father, the father becomes the son.

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